A Mother's Magical Time Machine

Don't we all wish, at some point in our lives, we could turn back time and change things?

So many authors have written about it.  Movies have been made by the gizillions.  It is the ultimate pervasive human fantasy.

I sort of had this fantasy after Mishayla was born.  It was not so much that I wanted to change the fact I had a child with a disability, but I wanted to have what I call the perfect birth experience everyone of my friends and family seemed to have been able to accomplish with at least one of their children.  Most of you that have had babies know the drill; the perfect painless pregnancy, baby is born when it is supposed to be (no premies), labor goes well and is productive, and out comes this perfect, healthy, screaming, human being that is placed on your belly and immediately takes to the breast with no problem.  It's eyes open, and looks into yours with love and with trust.

I had none of these with either child.  When I got pregnant with Mishayla, I looked at this pregnancy as my chance to "turn back to clock" and do this right, since Jared was born premature and sickly, spending nearly two weeks in a NICU.

But you, my readers, know the story.  Mishayla's birth, and my pregnancy with her, were worse than with Jared.  It was inconceivable to me.

Dammit!! I wanted to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum like a two year old!! I'm a pretty determined person.  When I want something, I get it, pure and simple.  I don't let much get in my way. I was determined to get this pregnancy/birth thing right.  How could I achieve this?

Only one way; try again to have another child.

And this was my plan.  I wanted to try one more time.  Tony was fine with it; he said whatever I wanted to do was fine.

Oddly enough, I was not terribly worried about having another baby with Down Syndrome.  I had looked that beast in square in the face, and I could handle it.  Besides, it was a 50-50 thing with the Down Syndrome.  I could still accomplish my dream of giving birth to a healthy baby, even if the baby ended up having it.  Many children with Down Syndrome are born completely healthy.

For some reason, the prematurity issue never occurred to me as I was basking in my realm of magical thinking.  Then one day, just before Mishayla was to be released from the hospital, I had a conversation with a nurse who was caring for her in the NICU.

I got to know a lot of nurses during Mishayla's six week stay in the hospital.  You just automatically gravitate toward these wonderful people who care so diligently for your child.  And anyone that has had to hang around a hospital knows, it can get really boring and lonely.  So you seek conversation and companionship, and these NICU nurses, with a few rare exceptions, can provide the empathy you seek.

But on this day, I didn't get empathy; I got a reality check.  I no longer recall the name of this nurse; but the conversation I had with her was life altering.

When I told her I planned to get pregnant again when Mishayla was doing better, she just looked at me.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"I'm 39," I replied. "Should that matter?" I asked. "Women have healthy babies well into their 40s, right?"

She didn't answer me. "And didn't you say your son came early? How early was he?"

"Thirty-five weeks," I answered.

"And so," she said. "You're 39,and you will be over 40 by the time you get pregnant again.  You have a child with Down Syndrome, and you have had two premies."

I started to feel like I was being interrogated. "Yes," I said, "that's right."

"You know," she said. "Women that have a history of prematurity tend to keep having babies earlier and earlier.   You said your son was born at 35 weeks, and Mishayla at 33.  It is very possible that the next child you have will be born even earlier.  You were aware of that, right?"

Well, no I was not.

"And you are aware of the risks of prematurity?" she asked. "Things like cerebral palsy?"

I would become aware of all these things once I went to work months later as a disabilities advocate. But at the time of this conversation I was not aware.

I felt shocked.  And sad.  Now, this nurse never said "don't get pregnant again." But she did want me to be aware of the facts.  She said she just wanted me to make an informed decision.

Maybe I should have said to hell with her, I know what I'm doing.  But I didn't.

I started to feel like I was being childish and selfish.  I had a healthy son, in spite of his difficult start in life, and Mishayla would probably be fine too.  I had two beautiful children.  Did I really want to watch another one of my children go through surgeries, and breathing problems? Did I want to stay in bed for months on end, with agonizing pain, feeling like if I moved the wrong way I would lose the baby.

I could not control the magical time machine.  I could not correct or change the events that transpired concerning the birth of my children, and more than likely, any future children I may have.

So I decided it was time to close up the old baby factory for good.  One of the toughest decision I ever had to make. I would have no more children.

My beautitful, miraculous children, Easter, 2000

It is always a pivotal moment in a women's life when she realizes, either by choice or by force, that she will not bring anymore children into this world.  Of course, there are some women that never want children, and don't care.  But in my opinion I think most of us do.  It is a physical and emotion need we women are just naturally wired to have.  I remember, in my 20s before having Jared, all my friends were having babies, and I would go see them in the hospital, and I would just feel this craving to have a baby.  It is like nothing I've ever experience before or since. it was completely consuming; overpowering. I've witnessed other women go through the same thing.   And even know, as a middle-aged women who no longer even has a monthly cycle, when I see a pregnant women, I am just slightly envious.  There is truly nothing more miraculous than bringing a life into the world. And we women are so lucky we can do it.  I feel very lucky I was able to bring two wonderful children, my dear Jared and Mishayla Rose, into this world.

So there will always be a little tiny piece of me that will feel a little cheated.  But that's okay.  I am truly blessed, and I know it and can acknowledge that.

Ultimately, I think I made the right decision, not only for myself, but for my family.  Tony and I have been able to focus completely on Mishayla, and through our efforts and attention, she has done well in spite of her disability.

And with my son's pending wedding next year, I have the hope of future grandchildren, which I look forward to with great anticipation.

Life goes on.  Who needs a time machine?